Past, meet Present
by Em.Celle
Summary: When she woke up this morning, she had no idea how much her life was going to change.
1. Chapter 1

_**First person isn't a style I am too conversant with, so this might be shit.**_

 _ **I apologise.**_

...

 _ **Part 1**_

 _ **...**_

I pant as I roll onto my back, my fiance rolling onto hers too and letting out that self-satisfied chuckle she always does when she's aware that she has practically undone my entire world and pieced it back together, one orgasm at a time.

It's something between smoky and cheeky and I find it endearing in the oddest way.

But then again, I find most things about Bo endearing.

"That," she kisses my shoulder, her, her head being supported by her elbow, her brown, proud eyes smiling down at me, "was amazing. If I do say so myself."

I roll my eyes and try to keep my smile at bay as I pull the covers up to regain some of my modesty. God knows why seeing as Bo's mouth was just seconds ago in parts of me that I'll never reach.

"Your humility astounds me."

The sarcasm in my voice isn't lost on her and she throws her head back in a hearty laugh. "Are you going to deny that I just, literally, made you see stars?"

"It wasn't _that_ good." I lie and she scrunches her nose in that way that she does when she doesn't agree with what I'm saying.

"Oh Bo. I think you broke me. Bo B-" She mimics in a voice that sounds nothing like mine.

"Shut up." I hit her with a pillow and she ducks, covering her face as she laughs at what I'm sure is my red face.

I love this. I mean, yeah sex with Bo is _amazing._ In the past six months that I've been with her she has shown me sides of myself that even _I_ didn't know exsisted. Not that that's surprising seeing as there's a lot of myself that I don't know.

But as great as the sex is, this is easily my favourite part of everything. Being silly with her, making her laugh. Seeing her eyes shine so bright and knowing that I made her _that_ happy.

It makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. Something that for a really long time I didn't have.

Her soft lips on mine cuts off my train of thought. She tastes like the red wine we had before she removed all my clothes and led me to bed. My fingers find their way to the fine hairs at the base of her neck, she loves it when I play with them for a reason. I run my index finger down her neck and she smiles into the kiss before pulling away. "You know I get ticklish when you do that." She says then sighs after a minute."I have to get going."

I can't help the pout that my lips form. That's the thing about your entire world revolving around one person, it sucks when they have to leave because then your purpose is gone and you have no idea what to do.

"Don't be like that." She softly tucks my hair behind my ears. Something she always does when she's being comforting. "You knew I could only stay a few minutes."

Now I'm wishing I hadn't made lunch and opened that bottle of wine. It took me a whole ten minutes this morning to get Bo to agree to come home for lunch today. I spent my morning cooking and making everything ready for her. I'm creating new memories and I want them to be beautiful, so every moment counts.

But lunch and wine took away time that we could have been doing _other_ things. Maybe I should have suggested lunch in bed. But no, I might not know a lot about myself but I know that I hate disorder. It makes my skin get goosebumps and I absolutely _cannot_ stand it.

It drives me crazy.

"I'll try coming home earlier tonight." She kisses my shoulder one last time before slipping out of bed. I pull her pillow that always smells like her close to me and lie on it as I watch her dress.

Bo is perfection personified. Every single part of her is as it should be and sometimes I wonder exactly how I got so lucky.

"Don't look at me like that. You're making me not want to go back to work."

"Then don't."

"I have to." She sits on the bed and puts on her shoes.

I sigh and kneel on the bed. My hands moving to help her button up and she adjusts her sitting position to make it easier for me. This is something else that I love, how she trusts me. Bo is strong, indipendent. So that she lets me take care of her means the world.

"What's your plan for the day?" She asks as I fix her cuffs.

I shrug. "I think I'll go shopping. We're almost out of groceries so I think Mrs. M will be getting a visit from me today."

She smiles. "Sounds like a plan. I love you and I'll see you soon, okay."

I nod and kiss her, telling her I love her and sitting back on the bed as I watch her leave. She gets to the door and rushes back and kisses me again. I laugh as I kiss her back. "You're going to be late."

"I love you." She says again.

I chuckle. "I love you too, now go."

...

I don't like sitting idle. Another one of the few things I know about myself. So, minutes after Bo leaves, I get up and start getting busy.

I change the sheets, second time today. The ones we have one reek of sex and sweat. Not that I mind, but maybe tonight I might have a surprise for Bo and said surprise might lead to sexy times. I don't want to have it on top covers that already smell of sex.

I've been actively looking for a job for months now. Not that it's easy seeing as I don't even know what on earth I'm good at other than making lists and making things orderly. Yesterday, Mrs. M called me. She's the old lady who owns the grocery store I go to. I trust her products. I like to think they haven't been injected with chemicals that will make me age before my time.

Anyway, the girl who worked for her, Abby, eloped with her rich Indian boyfriend. Last Mrs. M heard they were in Mumbai taking selfies and being young and in love. As great as that is for Abby, it leaves Mrs. M without anyone to help her at the store. That's where I come in.

I love Mrs. M's. I love the smell and the people and the old lady herself. Other than Bo, she's the first friend I ever made and she doesn't make that big a deal over my condition.

It is what it is.

And I might not know a lot, but I'm good at simple mathematics and I'm healthy and that's all she needed to hire me.

We're going to finalize things today then I'll telll Bo later. I get that working in a grocery store isn't much. But it's _a lot_ to me after everything.

I hope it'll be for Bo too.

I jump into the shower after I'm satisfied with how the bedroom looks. Bo's (our) shower isn't for everyone. Something happened with the plumbing so that now it has only two temperatures; freezing cold and scalding hot. That's except for the tenth second after you've turned it on when it becomes soothingly warm. Then on the sixteenth second it goes back to either too hot or too cold depending on whether or not someone is in the toilet.

It's a science, taking a shower.

One that Bo and I have turned into some sort of Saturday game. Usually when we're done, the bathroom looks like a mini-pool and the both of us are panting from laughing and going in and out of the shower.

It's the only reason I haven't asked Bo to get it fixed.

Our house is full of those. Little knickknacks that other people see as just things but mean the world to me. To _us._

Like the record player that we bought on our first month together for no reason other than I thought it would look amazing on that mis-shapen stool that Bo made herself. We've only played a record on it once and it was ABBA and we danced so much and sang so loud that the grouchy old man from across the street came knocking, telling us to keep it down or move out.

Then there's the things that other people would find annoying. Like the creaking floorboard that only creaks because Bo dissmantled a slat while looking for the lucky penny I gave to her on our first date. She was certain it was under it. Why, I have no idea. We've thought of repairing it, but it's like an alarm whenever I try sneaking up on her and Bo finds that funny and since I adore it when she laughs, it stays unfixed.

There're other things. Like the hedious yellow cup that sits at the coffee table and carries nothing but Bo's pen that doesn't work anyway. And the picture of a woman who I swear looks like a work of art and Bo insists is superiorly hedious. They all have some memory attached to them, and I love it.

...

It's a beautiful day outside. The sky is cloudless and that wind that only comes by in July is caressing my skin gently. The sun isn't furious today. It's sort of gentle actually. It touches everything with such softness that the world just looks golden and lush.

It puts me in a great mood and I'm smiling when I enter Mrs. M's shop. Biting back a chuckle when I see the old woman squint her eyes she tries to serve a customer who judging by the tapping of his feet, is getting impatient.

Mrs. M is losing her eyesight. She needs glasses. But the last time someone mentioned that, they were lectured for an hour. So I don't say anything although I already decided earlier on that I'm going to buy her a pair for christmas. Just to give her a push so she can get real ones.

"Oh, thank heavens you're here." She sighs out when she sees me. "Could you-"

"Of course." I say even before she finishes the sentence and go behind the counter. Serving the customer as quickly as I can so that the next one won't have to wait as long.

"You're an angel." Mrs. M says to me. "You're also radiant. Good afternoon with the fiance?"

I blush and look away. Mrs. M knows about Bo and I. Of course she does. Bo is all I ever talk about. She's also the one who helped me go to the custom jewellery makers to get Bo's ring ready. She says if it wasn't for her I would have been cheated out of my money seeing as I don't know how to haggle.

This wouldn't have been good. That money was all I had and I wanted to get Bo the perfect ring.

"That look in your eyes says it all." She teases some more. I love Mrs. M. I do. But I'm not really up to talking about my sex life with her. As great as it is.

She laughs as she tells me to man the counter for a bit longer as she goes to get something from the store.

...

Mrs. M is takes her time back there, probably due to the fact that she can't see and won't ask for my help. And business is slow. So much that I pull one of Mrs. M's numerous magazines and start going through it to keep myself busy.

I'm lost in the seemingly never ending pictures of food when I hear someone enter the store. I look up with what I hope is a welcoming look, closing the magazine as I do so.

A little girl is panting as she holds the door open. Her wide brown eyes looking at me, her curly blonde hair falling from her ponytail and for some reason, the sight of her makes my heart still.

I want to ask her if she's okay because I don't see any adult behind her but her eyes get even wider the more she looks at me and before I can say anything, she beats me to it.

"Mommy! I found you!"

...

My stomach is confused. It's not sure whether to lilt or sieze so it does both at such quick intervals that it makes me feel dizzy and like I'm going to be sick.

There's something I'm supposed to _know_. The little girl's wide eyes that are blinking so slowly like she's afraid if she does it any faster I'll dissapear tells me so. My thoughts, my memories that seem to want to break free from somewhere tell me so too.

But I don't.

I don't know a _nything._

And that feeling that I spent months fighting, that I thought I'd gotten over comes back so fast it almost knocks the wind out of me. For the first time in months, I feel inadequate and Bo is not here to tell me different.

"Rae-" a voice calls and I can see through the glass a woman running to the store door. "Reagan!" She scoops up the little girl who's still got her eyes fixed on me . "What did I say about leaving places without me?"

"But I found her, momma!"

"Reagan."

The woman still hasn't looked at me. She just seems so overwhelmingly happy to have found her daughter. She's also not helping with my feeling of inadequacy because again, I feel like thre's something I should _know._

"I _did_. I found her." The little girl whines. "Look." She points at me and the woman sighs. Placing her down and only looking like she's looking at me to quieten her daughter.

But then our eyes meet and she gasps. "Lauren?"

...

I should know them.

We've been seated in Mrs. M's office that she so graciously offered when she came out and found me stupified for the past half an hour I think.

And all the while, as the little girl sits on my lap and slurps on the juice that Mrs. M gave her while taking pauses to play with my hair and ask me questions, the blonde woman who said her name's Crystal passes photos to me ;

 _"This is the day Reagan was born."_

 _"That's our first family fun day."_

 _"This is you when you were six months pregant with Rea, you ate pickles like crazy."_

I feel like I should know something. I should know it at a deeper level than I do. But I don't and it makes me feel like the worst person on earth.

"Are you gonna come home with us? We still live in the same house. Momma said we have to stay there in case you decide to come home. Will you? Will you come home?"

It feels like the earth has been pulled from beneath me and now I have no idea where I'm supposed to stand.

The little brown eyed girl is looking at me with such innocent eyes, so trusting and I genuinely don't know what to tell her. "I uh- I don't know." As soon as I say that, she pouts.

"Why?" It's Crystal who asks. She's pretty, I can definitley see what I saw in her. She has that unavoidable beauty. The kind that slaps you in the face and demands that you take notice of it. She hasn't talked much except to show me pictures that prove that yes,I have another life that doesn't involve Bo at all.

Bo.

The reasonI don't know whether or not I'm going to go back with my child.

It's been a half year.I've built a life here. I'm in love. Just last month, I sneaked out of town and drove three hours to pick the ring I had custom made for Bo and asked the brunette to marry me.

How am I supposed to just pack up and leave all of that? Leave the life we built behind.

"I don't know." I answer honestly and Crystal's face falls like she was expecting that.

 _..._

I text then wait for Bo first in the kitchen because for some reason I find the sound of the appliences soothing. Especially the fridge.

But today it gets old really fast and I drift to the stairs and sit on the last one. Tapping my feet and stopping when I noticed what I'm doing. Willing myself to please, _please_ be calm.

It has been almost an hour since I said an odd goodbye to Crystal and Reagan and left the store without as much as a word to Mrs. M.

I didn't know what to tell anyone. Not even Crystal who gave me her number and informed me that she's staying in a hotel in town. 'maybe we can talk tomorrow?"

I left her without an answer and didn't turn back even when I heard her call my name.

My leg finally accepts to stop moving and my eyes land on the framed photo of me and Bo. I laughed when she showed me the frame that's made of dolphins. She said she got it because they're my favourite animals.

I've never understood why out of all our photos she decided to frame this one. My face is half covered by my hair. We were at the beach and the wind was strong and my hair didn't stand a chance. Her own eyes are wide. Redish because she had had the smart idea of swimiming with her eyes open. She was trying hard not to blink. She blinks at the worst times in most of our photos and they end up looking funny and oddly adorable.

It's not a perfect picture. But it's ours and I love it either way.

I groan and place my hands on my knees.

'What will I do?'

...

The moment I hear the door open and close, I rise from the stair as if pricked.

"Lauren?" Her voice calls urgently, "baby, where are you?"

I don't even make it halfway across the room before Bo's arms are around me and I'm greedily inhaling that mixed scent of the Jasmine body wash she uses and something that always seems to stick to her clothes when she comes from work. I revel in tha fact that I _know_ this.

I've spent Sunday afternoons with Bo under yellow covers that gave the illusion of spring sunlight. Smelling nothing but her scent. Seeing nothing but her eyes. Hearing nothing but her voice as she told me stories of her past and chuckled at the fantasies I made up for us.

Bo is familiar. Bo is unshakable ground.

"It's going to be okay. I promise." She places kisses upon my kisses into my hair and for the first time since this all started, I cry.

The sobs come slow, they come quick then I'm gasping and Bo is all that's all holding me up.

I feel fuggy. Like I'm too full of sadness and confusion and it's seeping from my very pores.

I hold Bo even tighter because I feel like everything is about to change.

Like maybe I'm going to have to lose her.

...

 _ **I will only continue this if I didn't completely mess up the plot with my utter lack of first person narration skills. So...yeah.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**For Ingriid, I hope you like it.**_

 _ **...**_

I don't sleep.

I don't talk to Bo much either.

Neither of these things don't happen because I'm _against_ doing them. They just don't happen because they don't.

I don't know what I'm supposed to tell Bo. She asks me questions. How did I run into them. Where did I run into them. How did it feel running into them. Did it trigger any memories running into them?

I answer methodically. Like a prisoner of war being interrogated. I didn't run into them, they ran into me. It happened at Mrs. M's. I don't know what I felt running into them. No, it didn't trigger any memories.

I sound detached. Even to my own ears. And I stay that way as Bo fixes dinner. Sandwiches that have way too much meat and not enough vegetables because she has it instilled deep in her mind that vegetables aren't her friends. Any other day, I'd give her pain about this and she's be charming and make me forget about her questionable diet choices with her lips on mine and her hands experty manipulating my body.

But today, today I just bit into the sandwitch. Not because I was hungry, but because Bo clearly expected me to eat.

I was the first to go to bed. Slipping onto my side and lying facing away from her. It had only been hours, but the look in her eyes was already getting to me. I'm not used to making Bo anything but deliriously happy.

 _'You make me happier than I think it's normal for a person to be, Lauren."_

So this look. This _confused_ and hopeless, helpless look in her eyes. It's not working for me. I don't like it.

"I love you." She whispers. Her hands slipping around my waist and her head finiding it's place on my shoulder. "I love you so much."

I shut my eyes and cry.

...

I listen to Bo's snores the whole night. Gaspy and arrythmic. Like she's somewhere she doesn't want to be. Like she's drowning or suffocating or both.

She called my name at least four times and I'd always kiss her when she did because that calmed her down- and I was the one causing whatever distress she was in anyway. It's the least I could do.

I watch as the ceiling turned grey, then pink, then yellow and I know it 's five when I hear the distant Islamic music coming from Rahim's house. I can always tell it's five when I hear that sound.

I slip out of bed then and trug to the bathroom. My movements lazy and languid. Like I'm drunk and my feet were screwed on sideways.

I stand in front of the mirror. It has on this patches that clearly shows something had been stuck on it. They're from the million and one notes I leave out for Bo because she's forgetful as hell and if I don't write the important things down I'm afraid she'll forget them. I stare at the patches, forming a game in my mind where I try to remember what note I stuck where and it said what.

It's a distraction technique. Something to keep away from my eyes that don't really look like mine. They're sunken and tired and it's only been a day.

"Lauren." A startled voice calls my name. "Lauren." She's getting more scared by the minute.

I poke my head out of the bathroom. A toothbrush in one hand and toothpaste in the other. "In here."

She visibly lets out a relieved sigh and tries for a smile that doesn't light up her face the way her smiles usually do. She might have slept, but she doesn't seem anymore relaxed that she did last night.

"You're up early." She observes. Slipping out of bed completely in the nude and making her way to me. Getting into the bathroom and wrapping her arms around my waist. She smells like a mixture of yesterday and today and everything I love. For a moment, she makes me forget that my whole world is upside down. "Morning." She whispers.

My hands are still holding the brush and paste but my lips are free so I kiss her. It feels like I haven't done that in a while. And I might not know much, but I know how to kiss my fiance. "Morning."

"How are you?" It's a loaded question. One I wish I had the answer to but clearly don't. So I shrug and like the understanding person she's always been, she gives me a small smile. Actually, it's more of a twich of her lips which is accompanied by her pulling me close.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

She chuckles like that's the last thing she was expecting me to say.

...

I end up making pizza for breakfast.

It's odd and completely out of place for me. But it makes Bo smile and I am desperate to know that I'm still capable of doing that.

We had pizza the morning after our first night together. She was wearing my shirt from the previous night and her hands kept finding their way to my thigh. The pizza was cold and somehow better than it had been the previous night. She ate all the topings because for some reason they made me gag. When I kissed her later on, she tasted like pineapples.

I know I'm overcompensating. But pizza in the morning for us is a good memory. And it's like I'm trying to take the good times and recreate them in these bad times so that they absolve all the bad from it.

I don't know if that makes much sense.

But then again, nothing makes sense to me right now.

"Do you want me to stay home today?" She asks, taking the toppings from my pizza almost absent mindedly.

Yes. If I was being honest, the answer would be yes. But right now isn't the time for honesty, as weird as that sounds. Right now is time for normalcy. And normalcy is Bo going to work.

Besides, I think I should go see Crystal and Reagan.

It feels like the right thing to do.

"You don't have to."

"I will if you want me to." Her hand goes under my fingers and she squeezes them softly. Bo has so many ways she has devised to comfort me. Sometimes it's just a touch that I didn't even know I need.

I look up to her and offer her a smile. I hope it reaches my eyes.

"It's okay, Bo."

She sighs and plays with her food for a bit. "You're going to see them, aren't you?"

It sounds like a question. But it doesn't feel like one.

"I have to. It's the right thing to do."

She doesn't say anything to that. She doesn't eat her pizza either.

...

An hour later, I'm alighting a cab at the adress Crystal sent to me when I texted her. I'm wearing the dress Bo got me for our first month anniversary because as crazy as it sounds, I want to feel her close.

I feel guitly as I smooth it down while walking to Crystal's motel.

It's in midtown. And I suppose it's an okay place. There's a homeless guy outside who looks scrawny and out of place. Like a pet rejected by his owners. I give him a dollar and he glares at me and doesn't say thank you.

The inside is okay. I guess. There's a girl who looks like she just recently left her teenage years with her green hair and boy band shirt, chewing obnoxiously behind the counter.

"Hi!" She greets like she and I have been friends all our lives. "How are yah? Are you here or a room? We have _awesome_ rooms available. With a view of the beach no less!"

"Uh, no."I feel oddly guilty telling her no. She's so enthusiastic to be getting a customer. "I'm visiting someone who's a guest here?" I look at the paper that I wrote down the information Crystal gave me on. "Room Twelve?"

The girl squints a bit then her face brightens. "You mean the blonde with the cute kid?"

"I guess. Yes."

"Okay. Lemmy just calll them to confirm they're expecting you."

I nod and offer her a grateful smile.

I patiently look around as her neon green painted nails tap on the counter as she waits for Crystal to pick up. ' _It's ringing.'_ She mouths to me when our eyes meet again, pointing at the phone.

I nod akwardly. I don't know how else to respond.

"Hiya Rea, is mommy around?" She says finally and pauses for a minute, chewing as she listens to Reagan I presume. "Could you give her the phone please, princess." Another beat. "Hey Crystal. Your guest is here." She looks up at me like it's the first time she's seen me then- "Yeah." A pause- "cool beans." Then she returns the ends the call and gives me a smile.

"Take the stairs first door to your right. They're expecting you."

"Thank you." I say before taking in a huge breath and heading to the stairs.

...

I feel like I have a personality disorder. I've felt that since the moment my past came crushing into my life.

I'm changing personalities the way people change clothes. I don't want to do this, but it can't be helped. The Lauren Crystal and Regan ´know and the Lauren Bo knows are two very different people. Only, I don't know the Lauren Crystal and Regan know so I'm just going into this blindly.

Smiling when I shouldn't be. Being oblivious when they clearly expect me to know.

Just like the green haired girl downstairs said, Crystal and Regan are waiting for me at the door when I arrive. It's clear they've both put in an effort for me. Crystal's dress is pretty and her makeup is fully done. Reagan's hair is freshly made and her pigtails make her look adorable.

Suddenly, my dress makes me feel even guiltier.

"Mommy! You came!" She slips out of her mother's arms and runs to me. Hugging my legs and making my stomach swell and close rapidly like a deformed heart. Something settles at the pit of it. I always feel too much around this child. "I made my hair just like you like it." She steps back proudly. "Do you still like it, mommy?"

I nod. Because yes, I do like it. She gives me a huge smile and grabs my hand. "Come on. Momma and I made your favourite everything!"

...

Bo and I had our first date at the beach. She said she'd thought of dinner and a movie but then thought not. It was late in the evening and windy and she didn't want to swim until I pulled her into the water. Kicking and screaming. It took almost half an hour for me to conveince her to float on the surface of the water with me. The evening sun warmed the my face and I made a game out of staring into it then closing my eyes and marveling at the colors that formed behind my eyelids. Blinking, like someone was turning them on and off. When I opened my eyes, Bo was hovering over me. She placed her hand behind my head and pressed her salty, cold lips on mine.

 _"I love you."_

Now everytime I see the beach. I think of that day.

It's what I'm thinking of as I sit in Crystals small table. I can see the beach from where I'm seated. I can smell the food that she and Reagan cooked for me. I can see them expecting me to like it because this Lauren, the Lauren I'm supposed to be playing at the moment, probably does.

But all I can think of is Bo.

"Don't you like it?" Reagan's small voice cuts me from my thoughts and I offer her an apologetic smile.

"I do-it's lovely." I shove peas into my mouth.

I hate peas. But she smiles proudly at me so I'll brave all the peas in the world.

...

"I drew this for you." Reagan announces. Slipping onto my lap as Crystal clears the table after declining my help. The little girl does this a lot, sit on my lap. I suppose it's our thing. II like it, it makes me feel like I'm doing _something_ right by her.

I look at the child's drawing of two women with a child in the middle. It's easy to tell this is her mom, her and I. I don't know how to feel about it. The Lauren I'm supposed to be playing right now should be happy,so I smile. "It's a great picture." I lilt my voice to convey happiness and her brown eyes light up when she looks at me.

It's like looking into a mirror.

"Momma says you don't remember us. So I thought this would help. This is you, you see." She points at the tallest image in her drawing. "And this is momma and me. And that's our house and that tiny thing there is Bee."

I swallow. The barrage of information is making me dizzy. "Bee?"

"My newt mommy. You got him for me, remember?"

I don't.

I don't remember a newt or people smiling as big as they are in her drawing. Or a brown house with a tree that's taller than it beside it.

I don't remember anything.

"Rea, honey, go play with your toys as I talk to mommy." Crystal's voice saves me and the little girl pouts before kissing my cheek and running to another room.

"Thank you." I sigh out as I watch her go. I don't think I could have handled the dissapointment in her eyes when she realized I don't remember anything.

"It's okay. Would you like a glass of water?" She asks politely. But she sounds like she knows I want it. So I suppose the Lauren I'm playing right now drinks water when she's nervous. I nod.

She comes back minutes later with a glass which I take gratefully.

"She doesn't understand yet." She says sitting beside me.

"I know." I place the glass down. I'm more dissapointed in myself than anything else. I'm not playing this version of Lauren very well.

"So-" her voice sounds nervous, "have you thought about it?"

"About what?"

"Coming back with us." She says as if we'd disscussed it earlier. "We'll only be around for a few week and now that we've found you-"

"I have a life here." It comes out as the salt smell from the beach hits my nose and the feel of my dress on my skin.

 _Bo._

"I can't just _leave_."

"Is there someone else?" There's silence after she asks that. The words bounce off the walls straight into my mind and they just swim around like they're in some type of limbo.

I don't like the implications. Like I'm a cheater. Like I knew of her existence but still fell in love with Bo anyway.

It makes me feel filthy.

It cheapens what Bo and I have which doesn't work for me because before yesterday, what Bo and I have was _all_ I had.

"We're engaged."

I throw it out there. Like it will clean the filth her implications smeared on our relationship. _We're a real deal. We're going to be married._ It also makes me feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum. An insesitive one no less.

Crytstal's eyes widen then fall to the table. "Oh." I feel like shit. I really I'm not that good at playing this version of Lauren.

I want to go home. To my fiance who smiles just because I breathe. I want to things to be easy again.

"So what does this mean. For us?"

"I-" words stick to my throat- "I want to get to know Reagan of course." I thought that's a given. I might not know much but I know _that_ much.

"And me?" She asks with a fire in her eyes. "We were together for _years_ Lauren. We have a life together. We have a _child_ together."

I don't know what to say to that. So I don't say anything.

Crystal seems to get peeved with the silence and she stands up and starts pacing. She's making me dizzy. And anxious. And I feel like I'm supposed to be feeling worse than I am.

"I don't get this." She says finally. "You've known this woman for _months_."

This is true. But the thing is, for months, this woman has been all I know. It makes everything amplified. She's the first person I saw when I opened my eyes. My very first memory is of her, seated in one of those awful blue painted hospital room, reading a book. The first word I ever remember hearing is her telling _'hey sleeping beauty'_ with a smile on her face. Everything about Bo and I is amplified a million times to an extent that I don't think anyone else will ever understand.

"I love her."

"Well, you love us too. Don't you?"

That stumps me and I blink rapidly. Like dust was just thrown in my eyes.

"Don't you?"

"I don't know. I _love_ Reagan." I say honestly. Because I do. I might not remember how to, but I do. "but-"

"You don't love me." She finishes for me.

I look down. Weirdly embarassed.

...

Bo is waiting for me on the front porch stairs when I get home. And the sight of her; Ernie the stray cat that randomly comes to our place for food in her arms, her work shirt folded so that her arms are free, her hair in one of those unshapely buns she puts them in that only she can manage to pull off- the sight of her makes me feel like crying.

Reagan's voice as she cried for me not to leave still rings in my ears. Crystal's eyes as she looked at me with something that too closely resembles dissapointment is all I see at the back of my eyes when I blink.

These images and sounds are threatening to break me down and the sight of Bo. The sight of _my_ Bo. Perfect, beautiful, familiar, almost makes me come undone.

She places Ernie down and walks to me, letting me fall into her arms and hodling me tight, not even caring that Mr. Grey, the homophobe from across the street, might see us.

She just holds me and I let her.

...

"Let's go out for dinner tonight." She whispers an hour or so later as we quietly lie in bed.

I let my lips twitch in a smile. She can be so random sometimes. "Why?"

"Why not?" She shrugs. She hasn't asked me how it went. She just led us to the bedroom and we lay in bed, looking at each other. I don't know what she was doing, but I was memorising her features. I was making sure I learn and relearn every part of her.

I like this version of Lauren. I'm good at this. I'm good at smiling and telling Bo, "Okay." Letting her drive us to Patty's although I don't trust him because his niece told me last month that he cooks barefooted.

I laugh without thinking of whether or not I'm expected to when Bo tells me of her day and the big bellied rookie who won't stop hitting on her.

"Should I be jealous?" I try sounding tough and her laugh echos throughout the diner.

"You're my only. You know that." And it's said with shining eyes but an earnest voice. She means every word.

I don't question myself when I take her face in my hands and kiss her under the streetlamp that was giving her an orange glow on our way home. She's just too beautiful to ignore.

I'm good at being the Lauren who's in love with Bo. Because the Lauren who's in love with Bo is the only one I _really_ know.

...

 _ **So, this is chapter one. The other one was the prologue. Thank you so much for the support. I know I always say this, but it means a lot to me. Especially now that I'm trying something new. I can't grow as a writer unless I try new things.**_

 _ **This story will be told in three POVs. Lauren's obviously. Crystal, who'll tell of the time**_ _before_ _ **Lauren lost her memory. And Bo who'll tell their story without the baggage that Lauren is carrying.**_

 _ **Feel free to tell me what works and what doesn't. This isn't a style I'm used to and I hate doing mediocre things. So if it sucks, point it out so I can fix it.**_

 _ **Oh, and to those who asked the challenge for the last one was to write a mystery story.**_


	3. Chapter 3

I'm sleepless- again.

My nerves feel barbwired. My thoughts are throbbing in my head like a heart and I cannot for the life of me settle on one.

Bo is fast asleep next to me. She isn't snoring today. Her breath is soft, like a child's. It's playing the wind game with the fine hairs at the back of my neck. Blowing them up when she breathes out, then letting them calm when she breathes in. It's distracting. Just not distracting enough.

Last night was a good night. We came home, rose cheeked and breaths coming out first. I don't know how Bo's hands got off my dress because I was so busy with her buttons. She laughed when she saw my front strap bra- " _convinient."_ She said. I bit her lip just how she likes it. Playful and just the right amount of pain mixed with pleasure. Her eyes got that dark, dazed look they get when she's turned on and I smiled at her as she le us to the bedroom.

Last night was a good night.

But last night was also a distraction.

I tend to not think straight when I have my toungue inside of Bo. I become a woman on a mission. The gasps she makes. The way her hands tangle into my hair and she becomes completely at my mercy. I live for these moments. Moments when Bo and I create something beautiful between us. Something no one esle can touch. It's easy to get lost in these moments.

And I got lost in them last night as Bo kissed her way down my body. Saying ' _I love you'_ until they stopped being just words and became something entirely different. I let Bo consume me as she often does and I shut out the rest of the world.

But it could only last for so long because at some point we tired ourselves out and she went to sleep. I tried to do the same. But all I got were fretful moments of shut eyes where I'd see Reagan's face in tears and my eyes would snap open like someone has switched on a light. There was no fluttering of the eye lashes. No drifting in that place where you're halfway between being asleep and being awake. There was just closed eyes which suddenly opened.

It was unnerving.

Rahim's prayer music sounds somewhere and I let out a releived breath. It's five. I can get up and get busy.

"You're making a habit of this waking up at five business." Bo's raspy voice says from beside me and I try getting out of bed.

I force a laugh. I didn't think she was up.

"Hi." She nuzzles her face in my neck as she often does.

"Hi." I let my body relax. It's Bo. I can be whoever I want to be with Bo.

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Not really." I admit. My voice sounding embarassed for some reason.

"You want to talk about it?"

It's the third day since all this started and this is the first time she has asked me this. To maybe try and explain myself. Let her in. I turn to look at her face. It's easy to forget that this affects her as much as anyone else. That her life was just as dissrupted as much as mine.

An explanation is the least I owe her.

"I used to hate it at the hospital." I whisper like it's a shameful secret. Maybe it is. The hospital I was in was, compared to others, amazing. I had a T.V in my room and Bo brought me flowers everyday and the nurse there liked me well enough. She even brought me the paper once or twice so I could check if anyone was looking for me without hurting Bo's feelings.

"Why didn't you say something?" She asks, tucking my hair behind my ear, "I would have moved you."

A smile spreads all over me and I literally feel like I'm smiling with my entire being. I don't know if I'll ever stop falling in love with this woman.

"It wasn't that bad. And it's not like I _always_ hated it. Just- when you weren't there and I was all alone, it was too quiet. I had too much time to think."

"About what?"

"Who I am. Who I was. It's the worst thing, not knowing yourself. And I wondered what kind of person I was that I was lost for god knows how long and no one had even bothered to look for me."

"Baby-"

I shake my head to stop her from comforting me. If I don't open up now, I don't know when I will. "I used to think maybe I was horrible to the people I left behind. Maybe they thought it was good riddance that I was gone and that's why they weren't knocking down doors trying to find me. And it made me feel so _abandoned_. That people I must have loved would just forget about me. It's not a good feeling. It's not one I would wish on anyone. Especially not my child."

"Lauren." Bo sighs out. She knows where I'm going with this. I move closer to her, so she knows that this- this isn't me pushing her away.

"She's my daughter Bo. I carried her inside me for nine months and now I can't even remember her middle name." I whisper. Tears stinging the back of my throat and a lump forming in my throat like a fist. This is what has been rolling around my mind the whole night. "I love her. I look at her and I _know_ I love her, I just don't know _how_ and I can see it in her eyes that it hurts her. That someone she loves, her own mother doesn't remember her."

"It's not your fault baby."

"She doesn't know that. All she knows is I dissapeared for months and when she finally found me, I'm acting like a stranger."

"You want to get to know her." It's not a question. But I nod anyway.

"I have to. For my sake and hers. But this doesn't change how I feel about you. That I want to be with you."

Suddenly, a sob escapes her, as if even she didn't know it was coming. "Yeah?" She asks. And for the first time in three days, I see the depth of her fear. The fear of losing me. Of not knowing what I'm thinking and what the future holds.

Maybe I'm not as good at Lauren who's in love with Bo as I thought I was.

"Yes." I say placing a kiss on her chin. "I love you, Bo Dennis. Nothing's going to change that."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

...

Bo asks to drive me to Crystal's hotel today and I pause from my egg beating to look at her.

It's an odd request.

"Why?"

She shrugs and flips my egg on the pan. We always make our eggs seperately. I like mine with black pepper but she can't stand it in hers. It turns her into a chronic throat-clearer.

"I want to." She says almost shyly. Fliping the egg again and frowing when it lands on the pan all folded. She's avoiding my eyes. It clearly took alot from her to ask me for this.

So I nod. "Sure. Of course."

We drive to the hotel in half silence. She doesn't know have anything to say to me. I don't know _what_ to say. I play around with the radio until I find that song that played the day she took me out of hospital. She'd hired a porsche because I couldn't remember if I'd ever ridden in one. We drove with the top down. My bare feet on the dashboard. Crushing crisps between my teeth and pulling the packet away when she tried steal some.

 _'Come on baby. Share.'_

Her pout made me take pity on her and I fed her some. Much to her delight.

Right now she looks at me and smiles. No doubt having the very same memory. I smile back at her and reach over, lacing her fingers with mine.

...

"Are you sure?" I ask as I unclasp my seatbelt.

"Yeah." She smiles a bit. Taking my hand in hers and playing with my fingers before looking at the hotel then back at me. "I just wanted to drive you. Make sure you got here safely."

She's not lying. But she's not telling the whole truth either. It's a half lie, half truth sentence. One I let slide.

"Okay. I'll see you later?"

"Yep." She tries sounding cheerful as she kisses me goodbye. "I was thinking pizza for dinner tonight?"

"We had pizza for breakfast yesterday."

"That was breakfast." She says with a cheeky smile. "This is dinner."

I roll my eyes and smile fondly before pecking her one last time. "Fine. But don't think I'll let this heart disease behaviour go on."

"It's just pizza baby." She chuckles out.

"It's always just pizza until someone gets coronary thrombosis and then it's not 'just pizza' anymore."

"Fine. Fine." She rolls her eyes. Then she turns serious again. "I'll see you at home later?"

"Of course you will."

...

"Hey hot lady from yesterday!" The cheery green haired girl greets. I smile at her.

"Hello. I'm here-"

"To see Rea and Crys. I know. You're all Reagan has talked about today."

Her statement makes me self conscious. People have a tendency of looking at you oddly if they think you're anything other than 'normal."

The green haired girl is just smiling though. Her eyes bare no judgement. "So- you know your way, right?"

I laugh and nod. She nods back and goes back to filing her nails.

I'm getting better at this whole, Lauren who Crystal and Reagan know. I lower myself to Reagan's level when she runs to hug me. Feeling her little arms go to my back.

"I made a fort for you!" She always speaks in exclamations around me. Like her excitement is too much to handle. I chuckle and look at Crystal who's leaning on the door frame. Her arms folded and her eyes looking everywhere but at me. "You wanna see it?"

"Of course."

Crystal doesn't say no. So I assume it's okay.

It's a fort made of chairs and bed covers. It's a little low for me and I have to almost lie completely flat to get under it. It makes her giggle.

I sit hunched inside. Little beams of light seep in and give it a magical look. Reagan's cheeks are pink with excitement as she waits for my approval. "Do you like it? I tried making it like you did when I got scared and we made forts to chase the monsters away."

I swallow. It's a memory she's recreating. Like I do with Bo. A memory that I don't have and probably never will again.

"I love it." I say for her benefit and because it's true. "I could live here."

She giggles. "People don't live in forts, silly." Then she scrunches her nose. "Unless you're a princess."

"Princesses live in palaces honey."

"The _cursed_ ones."

"They live in towers."

She nods slowly then smiles brightly at me. "You're so smart, mommy!"

I laugh. "Thank you. So are you."

She shakes her little head sadly. "Not really. Jamie says I got your looks but not your brains."

Her statement invokes something fiercely protecticve in me. I don't know this 'Jamie' person. But I already don't like them.

"Well, Jamie's wrong. And I'm smart and I say _you're_ smart so I have to be right."

She giggle and nods. "Okay. Do you wanna have some tea?"

I faux gasp. "There's tea?"

" _Of course_ there's tea. Forts have to have tea."

...

It's Crystal who comes to take us away from the fort when lunch's ready. Reagan regales me with tales that make her eyes brighten up when they talk and when Crystal says it's time for her midday nap a little while after lunch, I'm both sad and happy.

Sad to see her go.

Happy that our parting won't part in tears today.

I promise her that I'll see her soon before kissing her as she shuts her eyes.

"Thank you for today." I say to Crystal. More to break the ice than anything. She hasn't said three words to me the whole time I've been here. I know it's well withing her rights to shut me out, but it makes me uneasy that she does.

"I don't think I can keep doing this." She says out of nowhere. Still not looking at me. She has her arms folded in a defensive stance. Like she's going to war.

My eyes widen. "Do what?"

"Keep letting you get close to her. We're leaving in weeks, Lauren. And you're not coming with us. I just- I just don't want to confuse her."

"You can't do that."

"I can do whatever I want."

"I'm her mother."

"You don't even know her!" She yells. Finally making eye contact and she has tears swiming in her eyes.

I can't breathe right. I really cannot breathe right. It's like I'm playing that horrible 'how long can you hold your breath' game. Only involuntarily.

"I want to get to know her. That's why I'm here."

"And then what?" She challenges, running her fingers through her hair. "Let's say you do that charming thing you always do that gets people to instantly love you and it works on her. She develops a bond and gets attached. What happens when we have to leave and you stay? What will I tell her? Hmm? That your mom didn't love us enough to come home with us? No Lauren, I'd rather you just stopped pretending to care now."

"I'm not pretending!" I yell, something I rarely do. "I _love_ her. And I'm sorry I don't feel that about you but you can't punish me for that."

"This isn't about you, Lauren. This is about our child and what's best for her."

"You think keeping her away from me is what's best for her?"

"You've been away from her for months. She'll live."

I run my palms through my face. Completely frustrated. I don't do confrontations well. Frankly, they scare me. The yelling and screaming triggers something irrationally afraid inside of me and I start feeling choked. But I can't let this go.

I can't.

"I'm sorry." I say as calmly as possible. "I get that we had a life together, Crystal. I get that. But it's a life I _don't_ remember. And you can't possibly blame me for moving on when you didn't even try and find me."

"I looked for you for months, Lauren. I just thought- I thought you didn't want to be found."

I had a life with her. I had a _child_. "Why wouldn't I want to be found?"

She suddenly seems more guilty that defensive. I take a step forward. This is something that's bothered me for so long now. I want-no- I _need_ an answer. "Crystal?" I prompt.

She sighs. She looks like she wants to do nothing but cry. "The night you left home, we'd had a fight."

"About what?"

She goes silent again.

"Crystal, what did we fight about."

"You- you found out I had been having an affair." She all but whispers and everything inside me goes eerily silent.

"Oh."

...

 _ **An; to answer a few questions. No, Crystal's POV won't explain 'How' Lauren lost her memory. I don't think even**_ _she_ _ **knows that. But it will be explained.**_

 _ **This is BoLo endgame,I just thought I should make that clear.**_


End file.
